Trauma always leaves a scar…it follows us home, it changes our lives…Trauma messes everybody up. But, maybe that’s the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It’s what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can step up.
I wanted to share this quote that I had to write down while catching up on old episode of Greys Anatomy. It struck a cord in a huge way for me and I suspect it may for you as well. I’m not sure of course what all the pain was about in my scenerio but it was very real and there is a scar in my life. I could only now even start watching Greys again since when I was watching it originally, it was hitting too close to home on the story line with Meredith’s mom and the chief and their affair. She died alone with Alzeimers still loving him while he stood by saying she was a mistake in his life and that he loved his wife. It was all too familiar and of course seeing her like that was even more traumatic at the time due to my own circumstances.
But perhaps we can view her story as one that we’ll fight against because we WILL NOT spend our lives pining away and loving men who simply don’t deserve any of that from us.
It’s no easy task to accept (the last stage of grief) these men for who they are, flaws and all, and that they simply are/were incapable of either loving us or in some cases I believe incapable of living authentically to their heart.
In the end, I think it’s our task to view them as they truly are, accept our feelings, and at the same time pull away so that we can take care of our own hearts, our own lives, and build something for us that will bring a sense a peace and well being. We do deserve that and the majority of these men are simply not capable of making changes or doing whatever they would need to do to make their relationships with us official. Instead they perfer to hide in corners and do whatever they please w/o regard for their wives or us. And, in the end, the sad truth is, that either woman seems more than willing to take him “back” so perhaps it’s our own behavior that needs to be examined.
Aw… ain’t love grand? lol… I actually do believe that love is amazing. I do. But it saddens me so much for myself and for others that we gave so much love to men when who simply didn’t deserve it.
And on a side note, something about watching this series really made me become emotional about my xMM. But, I think this was a good thing because I was able to cry and hopefully get out that last bit of risidual pain that was lurking around. As you get out of the intial pain and shock of things and start feeling happiness again in your life, the last thing you want to do is feel any pain about a guy who treated you like crap. But, in time, the feelings will resurface if theres anything left that is, and it’s okay. You can expel it and hopefully as the quote alludes to be ready to step up for something a little more in your life no matter how small or big the task.
As I walked to my home this evening, I thought to myself that I felt a little sad. Then out of nowhere, I hear a little voice in my head saying, NO!!! DON’T BE SAD, BE GLAD. Then I found myself thinking of you all and of my past and the many reasons to be glad.
Don’t be Sad be Glad…
Be Glad that…
I’m not a side woman for a man who sees me as a “possibility”
I no longer pine for aforementioned man
Being alone and in solitude is liberating compared to the shackles of being an other woman
I have experienced love in the a very intense and romantic way
That is just a very short list of things I feel glad about. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to accept that my xMM and I were not meant to be on a long-term basis, after all our dreaming and wishing, but I was true with him. I suspect he can’t say the same thing. But, this isn’t about him anymore. :-) And, that is the best and most awesome thing to be glad about.
In honor of Maya Angelou. Wise words and something we all can truly take to heart. Remember too that Maya Angelou went through so much hardship and grief yet she was able to use it all and impact us all so very much. Thank you Ms. Angelou for sharing your heart with all of us.
I came across the quote today and wanted to share.
“If you just keep that goal in mind and take small steps, you will get there one day.”
Take your small steps even if it is just texting a friend or getting out for a walk or manicure… Learn a new recipe, or tackle a home improvement project etc. Our goal in letting go of our Xmm is to be at peace and experience love and happiness with perhaps a new partner or maybe being single for a while. I remember so well that there are days where grief and loss just feel never ending but perhaps if we can keep our goal in mind and take our own small steps, we can find peace again.
I would love to hear your small steps. One of mine is to try to feel the ground as I walk and my fingers and toes so I can be in my current moment and stop my brain from going backwards or being angry. It takes effort but when I focus it feels great and then I can go back to my thinking a bit calmer.
Just a few thoughts on a Sunday morning. May your wounds be something that propel you to new things. May you find great love with a fully available man/woman and may you forgive me for my two curse words. :-)
Everyone loves who they love… No one can fully explain attraction and why they love a particular person
Mistakes happen…we’re human
Be aware that not everyone who is nice and loving on the outside is nice and loving on the inside… Don’t close off, be aware
Accept your choice… If it didn’t work out, it’s okay, shit happens
It’s okay, to be sad and mad… They’re part of our emotions
When you’re grieving, it is hard but it’s much harder in the long run if you bury your feelings
Fuck him… Bad behavior, lying and betrayal are NOT good… No one needs that
Love and learn… There’s something else that’s next in your life
“He’s not the only young man worth having…” – Sense and Sensibility
For some odd reason, I had the extreme urge to view some of the old e-mails that my xMM had sent to me. We were serious e-mail, text junkies with each other. When I look at the e-mails, I can’t believe how many times a day we e-mailed each other and that doesn’t even include text messages. As I sit here and look way back, I find myself missing the connection and love. I don’t feel love for him in particular anymore, as the hurt and pain he caused seemed to burn most of that out. But, I wonder if I’ll ever feel that kind of love again with someone else? Perhaps that is where the sadness stems from… the unknowing and uncertainty.
I wish I would have gotten the e-mail too honey. It might have squashed some of my craziness. I love you so much my cutie pie and wish we could garden together… we would have awesome fruits to eat and veggies to cook with. You’re in my heart cutie pie always. Have a good day. See you soon.
As I read his words and a few other e-mails, I couldn’t stop the tears. They just flowed out and I felt a deep ache in my heart. I know a new love can never ever be exactly the same as an old one, but you know when you truly love someone and they love you back. In this case, I’ll never know about the “loving back” part, but I know about the “truly loving someone” part.
Well, the pondering has made me tired. This winter weather is likely to kill me. I am defintiely California dreaming tonight.
Where ever you are, I hope you are having a good night or morning! And, may you never ever find yourself as the OW. Just say NO!!!!
Hello friends, readers, critics! I hope you are off to a great start to the new year. It’s been over four years for me since things were severed with my MM. It’s hard to beleive, but yes, it has been that long. And, even though I worked very hard to build a new life for myself, the experience of being an OW and of deeply loving a man who in the end wanted nothing to do with me is still felt in my life even if it is now an underlaying film deep within.
My whole lens has changed with which I vew the world. That underlying pain that is my companion, yes has taught me and at times brought total emotional devastation. But life goes on. No matter what, if we’re lucky and have health, we put one foot in front of the other and keep trying. Even though I will never fully understand the experience that I had or even my own choices, I do understand feeling deep love and adoration for someone, that love isn’t always rational, and that living with our choices is sometimes the hardest thing we will ever face.
But, in living with my choices and facing the intense pain of loss, abaondoment, humilation, etc., there are also small joys and leaning to navigate very very rough paths at times. Mostly, I’ve learned that I still have much to learn in terms of balancing all my emotional needs with the practical and everyday.
And, now, I am trying to figure that piece of the puzzle out. I admidt I am quite emotional, sensitive, etc. But, that is who I am, and it saddens me that often feelings, and our emotions are so flippently discounted and looked “down upon” by those who feel that mind and logic are supreme. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the mind and logic, but not at the expense of what makes us human… our ability to connect and relate and are unique and sometimes silly ways we cope with the things we can’t control.
So, I’m trying my best to embrace all that is me and all that makes up what is my life…the good the bad and the ugly. I’m not always happy and sometimes I’m just plain angry, which is something I really want to explore this year. Anger is so taboo but we all carry it around and it causes so much havoc in our lives when we don’t deal with it. It’s much easier to not acknowledge these emotions and focus on the rational and certainties in lfe. But, again, I’ve found it’s those ignored emotions and feelings that can end up rearing their ugly head and if we snap, boy does that get ugly fast!
So, this former other woman doesn’t have it all figured out at this point in her life, and I can’t provide easy answers on how to get through the loss of someone you love, but I can tell you that I know you’ll be okay if you are going through the break-up of one of these types of relationships. That is one thing I know. And, I know that it is your deepest longings and things that you love that can point you to bringing in new things to your life and bring healing to those deep wounds that proably go much further back than loosing a great love.
That’s it for now. Much love and peace being sent out to all and especialliy to the woman who have shared their stories on this blog and all the many woman who have rushed in to offer words of advice and wisdom and sympathy when let’s just be frank, no on else gives a damn. You guys are the best and I appreciate your kindness and williness to share more than you’ll know.
Hey eveyrone! Hope you all are doing well. I recently read this article in the NY Times and it made me think so much of my grief in losing my xMM and just about grief in general as life presents more than just one instance of loss at least it has I’m sure for many of us. I hope you have a moment to read this article as it has so many gems in it! Here’s some of my favorites!
“Trauma never goes away completely,” I responded. “It changes perhaps, softens some with time, but never completely goes away. What makes you think you should be completely over it?
In resisting trauma and in defending ourselves from feeling its full impact, we deprive ourselves of its truth.
…the traumatic underpinnings of life are not specific to any generation. The first day of school and the first day in an assisted-living facility are remarkably similar. Separation and loss touch everyone.
Trauma is an ineradicable aspect of life. We are human as a result of it, not in spite of it.
There have been so many great comments and sad comments lately. Thank you all very much for sharing your thoughts and stories and also giving your advice/support. It hurts my heart to hear of the pain that is happening in the aftermath of these situations but I am on your side and understand so well that there’s just no logic at times with these kinds of things and even though we all admit that we were part of the problem, it still hurts very very much to be treated without regard. And, I want to say in no uncertain terms that just because we had a part in saying yes to the the relationship, does in no way mean that we deserve to be treated with out care, love, respect…decency. What would you tell your best friend… you would tell her that of course she deserves those things and especially by those who “love” us! :-)
I was watching SuperSoul Sunday today and caught the show with Sarah Ban Breathnnach. She said so many things that inspired me and seems to understand a woman’s heart so well. She spoke about death today in the metaphorical sense and had this to say about coming out of “death”.
Each time, months later when I regained consciousness, I was a different woman. I was a stronger woman, a more passionate woman, a wiser woman but I was so different from who I had been. It was as if my DNA changed and when I say my DNA, I mean my destiny, my nature and my aspirations. It was complete transformation
Sarah speaks so wisely and inspires! A loss of a relationship can very much be a “death”. I know it was for me. It took me so long to feel better again. I truly did learn to live a “half a life” as Christina Perri says in her song Jar of Hearts. But, it did pass… it took time, and some kicking and screaming but it DID pass. That is the good news. And, as Ms. Perri says, “Who do you think you are?” Seriously… Now I can say that and truly mean it!
I’ve seen a few posts lately about people struggling… about things being newly broken off with a MM or AP and all the grief and sadness that comes with that. I have been thinking a lot about how to stay strong despite other people in your life and often the people you love the most that seem to dish out the hardest blows to your heart. I believe many of us deal with serious emotional abandonment issues and when that type of thing happens again to us later in life, it really really hurts because it is also opening up things from the the past that are deep below the surface. And, as much as we can psycholgize things and talk about our patterns and why things happen and how to break the pattern, which are all good things, there are moments too when it just plain sucks and all you can do is hold on and keep holding on until you reach safety again…the feeling of being more secure and at peace.
I think the OW so often looks at herself as being rejected, stupid, naive and the truth of the matter is that often we simply fell in love with the wrong person at the wrong time. And, often it was the other party that did the lying, cheating, and general bad behavior. Sometimes we do put ourselves out there and take a risk and it doesn’t work out and that is very hard to accept and get through especially if it has happened several times to you. It isn’t easy, but perhaps it can help if we truly truly look at the other persons behavior. Often if we look at it, we do see something very bad indeed… again the other person has often not only lied, but has often been very careless with someone else’s heart because they themselves lack empathy and the qualities that make a kind human being.
I don’t know if that is helpful to anyone, but it is worth thinking about. I know I have done quite a bit in the way of self-work and self-focus and I think that can be necessary and good, but it also can be good to truly look at the other person’s behavior… what did they do…how did they treat you…how are they behaving now?
And, most importantly, what can we do right in this moment to care for ourselves? Can we put on a funny show, can we call a supportive friend, can we find a healthy distraction to remove ourselves from the pain that we may be going through? I know it is hard, and sometimes we have to face the emotions straight on and go through them, but when that has passed, what can we do next that we can control and that isn’t self sabotaging?
Maybe you can give me your ideas. I’ve found that getting outside is usually good for me, but at times still feel overwhelmed by my emotional state…not because of my xMM anymore but just in other life situations that I am encountering and working through, and I’m all for hearing about healthy coping mechanisms, so let me know if you have any… I’d love to hear them and I know the other readers and those who are especially tender right now would be very appreciative.