Alright lovely gals (and guys if you’re out there), I read these wise words from Stephen King today and thought I’d share…
“The immediate, personal, and most agonzing grief of Jud Crandall passed, that grief which psychologists say begins about three days after the death of a loved one and holds hard from four to six weeks in most cases – like that period of time New Englanders sometimes call “deep winter.” But time passes, and time welds one state of human feeling into another until they become something like a rainbow. Strong grief becomes a softer, more mellow grief; mellow grief becomes mourning; mourning at last becomes remembrance – a process that may take from six months to three years and still considered normal.”
– Stephen King (Pet Cemetery)
Firt off…phew I guess I’m in the “normal” range. barely! lol. But, in all seriousness, you’ve heard me talk about the loss of our MM being like a death and I know that it certainly was that for me. But I love the comments I’m hearing about our deep capacity for love, and I have found that capacity across the board in all OW woman I have engaged with. By lisening to your comments and my own heart, it has to be true! We seem to love very deeply and unconditionally and from a very sweet and caring place. And, of course when you love so deeply and so much, it can be more painful when a break occurs. They say that the grief matches the intensity of the love. (Damn, I hate that, but okay, whatever! :) ) So, it seems it is something positive to have a great capacity for love. Of course we often have a lesson in grief and loss that we have to learn as well, which isn’t so fun, but I’d much rather have the capacity to love and a little more pain than the opposite. Although, now we have to have some safety measures built in around our hearts while still being open to the idea of loving and living again. It’s not easy!! But, it’s possible and something I still have to work on each day. Sometimes I over correct,and assume all kinds of bad things about a man’s intent or misread their actions as hostile or get very judgmental myself about their behaviors, but I’m hopefully learning. And, one day maybe I’ll be lucky enough again to find great love.
There’s been so much discussion and chatting as of late that I wanted to post a fresh post so we can move our discussion to a new page.
I know the fresh wound of betrayal and abandonment is extremely painful and a tough road to navigate, and there’s no simple time table that one can give on how long it will take. But, don’t give up on yourself. That’s the key. You will be sad. If you deeply love someone and that person hurts you, it’s going to take time and effort to heal but it’s worth it in every way imaginable. The early days for me were extremely painful. I drank vodka with very little soda water, I cried myself to sleep every night and could rarely sleep. My heart and soul ached every moment for the man I loved. I had very little in the way of outside support and I had a moment or several moments of thinking I wasn’t going to be be able to live. That’s how much my heart was broken. It actually hurts my heart just thinking about that dark time in my life. But I had to hit a rock bottom. And this was definitely it. Without it, I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t have made the changes in my life that in time led to joy, peace and at times even new love and romantic interests. I’ve had to relearn my early conditioning that taught me that I was unworthy, less than, unattractive and begin on the road to acceptance of all of myself, flaws included.
The words you ladies post often have been as a healing balm to me and I want to thank you so much for those words of love, encouragement and kindness.
There truly is hope for better days. That may sound too simple or maybe it’s not said very eloquently but I’ve found it to be my own truth. When I thought I couldn’t make it, somehow I muddled through even if I wasn’t doing all the right things like being positive or being social… Something held me through this insane grief and it is holding you too.
Over four years ago, the man I loved had no problems in saying goodbye and breaking my heart in a very cruel way. And, now that I can see it looking from the outside, I know that he is not the man for me… The man for me will love and adore me and would never dream of severing communication, acting cold and cruel or turning his his back on me. Duh!!!! Right???
Until I find the true love of my life, I will simply try to live and create more joy and happy moments in my life. I also will work to gracefully get through my tough times and not be so hard in myself for my sad and deflated moments. We are human… there no such thing as perfectly perfect no matter how hard some try to appear that way. We have sadness and anger to work through. I know it’s a pain in the rear but it’s just one element of life and it doesn’t take away from building all the awesome amazing times that often follow these tougher times.
I’m thinking of the many sad and also encouraging things that have been posted over the last few weeks. My heart aches when I hear of the pain and sadness because I know it so well and if I say things about disconnecting from “these” men, it’s only said because I don’t want you gals to suffer more than you already have. I want you to feel relief from the sadness, and trying something new, making changes and ultimately looking back and truly wondering, “how, how, how did I ever love this man???????”
On that note, for those of you who are beyond the initial grief, “How did we ever love these men!” Lol!!!
Hugs to you all.
Trauma always leaves a scar…it follows us home, it changes our lives…Trauma messes everybody up. But, maybe that’s the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It’s what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can step up.
I wanted to share this quote that I had to write down while catching up on old episode of Greys Anatomy. It struck a cord in a huge way for me and I suspect it may for you as well. I’m not sure of course what all the pain was about in my scenerio but it was very real and there is a scar in my life. I could only now even start watching Greys again since when I was watching it originally, it was hitting too close to home on the story line with Meredith’s mom and the chief and their affair. She died alone with Alzeimers still loving him while he stood by saying she was a mistake in his life and that he loved his wife. It was all too familiar and of course seeing her like that was even more traumatic at the time due to my own circumstances.
But perhaps we can view her story as one that we’ll fight against because we WILL NOT spend our lives pining away and loving men who simply don’t deserve any of that from us.
It’s no easy task to accept (the last stage of grief) these men for who they are, flaws and all, and that they simply are/were incapable of either loving us or in some cases I believe incapable of living authentically to their heart.
In the end, I think it’s our task to view them as they truly are, accept our feelings, and at the same time pull away so that we can take care of our own hearts, our own lives, and build something for us that will bring a sense a peace and well being. We do deserve that and the majority of these men are simply not capable of making changes or doing whatever they would need to do to make their relationships with us official. Instead they perfer to hide in corners and do whatever they please w/o regard for their wives or us. And, in the end, the sad truth is, that either woman seems more than willing to take him “back” so perhaps it’s our own behavior that needs to be examined.
Aw… ain’t love grand? lol… I actually do believe that love is amazing. I do. But it saddens me so much for myself and for others that we gave so much love to men when who simply didn’t deserve it.
And on a side note, something about watching this series really made me become emotional about my xMM. But, I think this was a good thing because I was able to cry and hopefully get out that last bit of risidual pain that was lurking around. As you get out of the intial pain and shock of things and start feeling happiness again in your life, the last thing you want to do is feel any pain about a guy who treated you like crap. But, in time, the feelings will resurface if theres anything left that is, and it’s okay. You can expel it and hopefully as the quote alludes to be ready to step up for something a little more in your life no matter how small or big the task.
As I walked to my home this evening, I thought to myself that I felt a little sad. Then out of nowhere, I hear a little voice in my head saying, NO!!! DON’T BE SAD, BE GLAD. Then I found myself thinking of you all and of my past and the many reasons to be glad.
Don’t be Sad be Glad…
Be Glad that…
I’m not a side woman for a man who sees me as a “possibility”
I no longer pine for aforementioned man
Being alone and in solitude is liberating compared to the shackles of being an other woman
I have experienced love in the a very intense and romantic way
That is just a very short list of things I feel glad about. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to accept that my xMM and I were not meant to be on a long-term basis, after all our dreaming and wishing, but I was true with him. I suspect he can’t say the same thing. But, this isn’t about him anymore. :-) And, that is the best and most awesome thing to be glad about.
In honor of Maya Angelou. Wise words and something we all can truly take to heart. Remember too that Maya Angelou went through so much hardship and grief yet she was able to use it all and impact us all so very much. Thank you Ms. Angelou for sharing your heart with all of us.
I came across the quote today and wanted to share.
“If you just keep that goal in mind and take small steps, you will get there one day.”
Take your small steps even if it is just texting a friend or getting out for a walk or manicure… Learn a new recipe, or tackle a home improvement project etc. Our goal in letting go of our Xmm is to be at peace and experience love and happiness with perhaps a new partner or maybe being single for a while. I remember so well that there are days where grief and loss just feel never ending but perhaps if we can keep our goal in mind and take our own small steps, we can find peace again.
I would love to hear your small steps. One of mine is to try to feel the ground as I walk and my fingers and toes so I can be in my current moment and stop my brain from going backwards or being angry. It takes effort but when I focus it feels great and then I can go back to my thinking a bit calmer.
Just a few thoughts on a Sunday morning. May your wounds be something that propel you to new things. May you find great love with a fully available man/woman and may you forgive me for my two curse words. :-)
Everyone loves who they love… No one can fully explain attraction and why they love a particular person
Mistakes happen…we’re human
Be aware that not everyone who is nice and loving on the outside is nice and loving on the inside… Don’t close off, be aware
Accept your choice… If it didn’t work out, it’s okay, shit happens
It’s okay, to be sad and mad… They’re part of our emotions
When you’re grieving, it is hard but it’s much harder in the long run if you bury your feelings
Fuck him… Bad behavior, lying and betrayal are NOT good… No one needs that
Love and learn… There’s something else that’s next in your life
“He’s not the only young man worth having…” – Sense and Sensibility
For some odd reason, I had the extreme urge to view some of the old e-mails that my xMM had sent to me. We were serious e-mail, text junkies with each other. When I look at the e-mails, I can’t believe how many times a day we e-mailed each other and that doesn’t even include text messages. As I sit here and look way back, I find myself missing the connection and love. I don’t feel love for him in particular anymore, as the hurt and pain he caused seemed to burn most of that out. But, I wonder if I’ll ever feel that kind of love again with someone else? Perhaps that is where the sadness stems from… the unknowing and uncertainty.
I wish I would have gotten the e-mail too honey. It might have squashed some of my craziness. I love you so much my cutie pie and wish we could garden together… we would have awesome fruits to eat and veggies to cook with. You’re in my heart cutie pie always. Have a good day. See you soon.
As I read his words and a few other e-mails, I couldn’t stop the tears. They just flowed out and I felt a deep ache in my heart. I know a new love can never ever be exactly the same as an old one, but you know when you truly love someone and they love you back. In this case, I’ll never know about the “loving back” part, but I know about the “truly loving someone” part.
Well, the pondering has made me tired. This winter weather is likely to kill me. I am defintiely California dreaming tonight.
Where ever you are, I hope you are having a good night or morning! And, may you never ever find yourself as the OW. Just say NO!!!!
Hello friends, readers, critics! I hope you are off to a great start to the new year. It’s been over four years for me since things were severed with my MM. It’s hard to beleive, but yes, it has been that long. And, even though I worked very hard to build a new life for myself, the experience of being an OW and of deeply loving a man who in the end wanted nothing to do with me is still felt in my life even if it is now an underlaying film deep within.
My whole lens has changed with which I vew the world. That underlying pain that is my companion, yes has taught me and at times brought total emotional devastation. But life goes on. No matter what, if we’re lucky and have health, we put one foot in front of the other and keep trying. Even though I will never fully understand the experience that I had or even my own choices, I do understand feeling deep love and adoration for someone, that love isn’t always rational, and that living with our choices is sometimes the hardest thing we will ever face.
But, in living with my choices and facing the intense pain of loss, abaondoment, humilation, etc., there are also small joys and leaning to navigate very very rough paths at times. Mostly, I’ve learned that I still have much to learn in terms of balancing all my emotional needs with the practical and everyday.
And, now, I am trying to figure that piece of the puzzle out. I admidt I am quite emotional, sensitive, etc. But, that is who I am, and it saddens me that often feelings, and our emotions are so flippently discounted and looked “down upon” by those who feel that mind and logic are supreme. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the mind and logic, but not at the expense of what makes us human… our ability to connect and relate and are unique and sometimes silly ways we cope with the things we can’t control.
So, I’m trying my best to embrace all that is me and all that makes up what is my life…the good the bad and the ugly. I’m not always happy and sometimes I’m just plain angry, which is something I really want to explore this year. Anger is so taboo but we all carry it around and it causes so much havoc in our lives when we don’t deal with it. It’s much easier to not acknowledge these emotions and focus on the rational and certainties in lfe. But, again, I’ve found it’s those ignored emotions and feelings that can end up rearing their ugly head and if we snap, boy does that get ugly fast!
So, this former other woman doesn’t have it all figured out at this point in her life, and I can’t provide easy answers on how to get through the loss of someone you love, but I can tell you that I know you’ll be okay if you are going through the break-up of one of these types of relationships. That is one thing I know. And, I know that it is your deepest longings and things that you love that can point you to bringing in new things to your life and bring healing to those deep wounds that proably go much further back than loosing a great love.
That’s it for now. Much love and peace being sent out to all and especialliy to the woman who have shared their stories on this blog and all the many woman who have rushed in to offer words of advice and wisdom and sympathy when let’s just be frank, no on else gives a damn. You guys are the best and I appreciate your kindness and williness to share more than you’ll know.
Hey eveyrone! Hope you all are doing well. I recently read this article in the NY Times and it made me think so much of my grief in losing my xMM and just about grief in general as life presents more than just one instance of loss at least it has I’m sure for many of us. I hope you have a moment to read this article as it has so many gems in it! Here’s some of my favorites!
“Trauma never goes away completely,” I responded. “It changes perhaps, softens some with time, but never completely goes away. What makes you think you should be completely over it?
In resisting trauma and in defending ourselves from feeling its full impact, we deprive ourselves of its truth.
…the traumatic underpinnings of life are not specific to any generation. The first day of school and the first day in an assisted-living facility are remarkably similar. Separation and loss touch everyone.
Trauma is an ineradicable aspect of life. We are human as a result of it, not in spite of it.