Just a few thoughts on a Sunday morning. May your wounds be something that propel you to new things. May you find great love with a fully available man/woman and may you forgive me for my two curse words. :-)
Everyone loves who they love… No one can fully explain attraction and why they love a particular person
Mistakes happen…we’re human
Be aware that not everyone who is nice and loving on the outside is nice and loving on the inside… Don’t close off, be aware
Accept your choice… If it didn’t work out, it’s okay, shit happens
It’s okay, to be sad and mad… They’re part of our emotions
When you’re grieving, it is hard but it’s much harder in the long run if you bury your feelings
Fuck him… Bad behavior, lying and betrayal are NOT good… No one needs that
Love and learn… There’s something else that’s next in your life
“He’s not the only young man worth having…” – Sense and Sensibility
For some odd reason, I had the extreme urge to view some of the old e-mails that my xMM had sent to me. We were serious e-mail, text junkies with each other. When I look at the e-mails, I can’t believe how many times a day we e-mailed each other and that doesn’t even include text messages. As I sit here and look way back, I find myself missing the connection and love. I don’t feel love for him in particular anymore, as the hurt and pain he caused seemed to burn most of that out. But, I wonder if I’ll ever feel that kind of love again with someone else? Perhaps that is where the sadness stems from… the unknowing and uncertainty.
I wish I would have gotten the e-mail too honey. It might have squashed some of my craziness. I love you so much my cutie pie and wish we could garden together… we would have awesome fruits to eat and veggies to cook with. You’re in my heart cutie pie always. Have a good day. See you soon.
As I read his words and a few other e-mails, I couldn’t stop the tears. They just flowed out and I felt a deep ache in my heart. I know a new love can never ever be exactly the same as an old one, but you know when you truly love someone and they love you back. In this case, I’ll never know about the “loving back” part, but I know about the “truly loving someone” part.
Well, the pondering has made me tired. This winter weather is likely to kill me. I am defintiely California dreaming tonight.
Where ever you are, I hope you are having a good night or morning! And, may you never ever find yourself as the OW. Just say NO!!!!
Hello friends, readers, critics! I hope you are off to a great start to the new year. It’s been over four years for me since things were severed with my MM. It’s hard to beleive, but yes, it has been that long. And, even though I worked very hard to build a new life for myself, the experience of being an OW and of deeply loving a man who in the end wanted nothing to do with me is still felt in my life even if it is now an underlaying film deep within.
My whole lens has changed with which I vew the world. That underlying pain that is my companion, yes has taught me and at times brought total emotional devastation. But life goes on. No matter what, if we’re lucky and have health, we put one foot in front of the other and keep trying. Even though I will never fully understand the experience that I had or even my own choices, I do understand feeling deep love and adoration for someone, that love isn’t always rational, and that living with our choices is sometimes the hardest thing we will ever face.
But, in living with my choices and facing the intense pain of loss, abaondoment, humilation, etc., there are also small joys and leaning to navigate very very rough paths at times. Mostly, I’ve learned that I still have much to learn in terms of balancing all my emotional needs with the practical and everyday.
And, now, I am trying to figure that piece of the puzzle out. I admidt I am quite emotional, sensitive, etc. But, that is who I am, and it saddens me that often feelings, and our emotions are so flippently discounted and looked “down upon” by those who feel that mind and logic are supreme. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the mind and logic, but not at the expense of what makes us human… our ability to connect and relate and are unique and sometimes silly ways we cope with the things we can’t control.
So, I’m trying my best to embrace all that is me and all that makes up what is my life…the good the bad and the ugly. I’m not always happy and sometimes I’m just plain angry, which is something I really want to explore this year. Anger is so taboo but we all carry it around and it causes so much havoc in our lives when we don’t deal with it. It’s much easier to not acknowledge these emotions and focus on the rational and certainties in lfe. But, again, I’ve found it’s those ignored emotions and feelings that can end up rearing their ugly head and if we snap, boy does that get ugly fast!
So, this former other woman doesn’t have it all figured out at this point in her life, and I can’t provide easy answers on how to get through the loss of someone you love, but I can tell you that I know you’ll be okay if you are going through the break-up of one of these types of relationships. That is one thing I know. And, I know that it is your deepest longings and things that you love that can point you to bringing in new things to your life and bring healing to those deep wounds that proably go much further back than loosing a great love.
That’s it for now. Much love and peace being sent out to all and especialliy to the woman who have shared their stories on this blog and all the many woman who have rushed in to offer words of advice and wisdom and sympathy when let’s just be frank, no on else gives a damn. You guys are the best and I appreciate your kindness and williness to share more than you’ll know.
Hey eveyrone! Hope you all are doing well. I recently read this article in the NY Times and it made me think so much of my grief in losing my xMM and just about grief in general as life presents more than just one instance of loss at least it has I’m sure for many of us. I hope you have a moment to read this article as it has so many gems in it! Here’s some of my favorites!
“Trauma never goes away completely,” I responded. “It changes perhaps, softens some with time, but never completely goes away. What makes you think you should be completely over it?
In resisting trauma and in defending ourselves from feeling its full impact, we deprive ourselves of its truth.
…the traumatic underpinnings of life are not specific to any generation. The first day of school and the first day in an assisted-living facility are remarkably similar. Separation and loss touch everyone.
Trauma is an ineradicable aspect of life. We are human as a result of it, not in spite of it.
There have been so many great comments and sad comments lately. Thank you all very much for sharing your thoughts and stories and also giving your advice/support. It hurts my heart to hear of the pain that is happening in the aftermath of these situations but I am on your side and understand so well that there’s just no logic at times with these kinds of things and even though we all admit that we were part of the problem, it still hurts very very much to be treated without regard. And, I want to say in no uncertain terms that just because we had a part in saying yes to the the relationship, does in no way mean that we deserve to be treated with out care, love, respect…decency. What would you tell your best friend… you would tell her that of course she deserves those things and especially by those who “love” us! :-)
I was watching SuperSoul Sunday today and caught the show with Sarah Ban Breathnnach. She said so many things that inspired me and seems to understand a woman’s heart so well. She spoke about death today in the metaphorical sense and had this to say about coming out of “death”.
Each time, months later when I regained consciousness, I was a different woman. I was a stronger woman, a more passionate woman, a wiser woman but I was so different from who I had been. It was as if my DNA changed and when I say my DNA, I mean my destiny, my nature and my aspirations. It was complete transformation
Sarah speaks so wisely and inspires! A loss of a relationship can very much be a “death”. I know it was for me. It took me so long to feel better again. I truly did learn to live a “half a life” as Christina Perri says in her song Jar of Hearts. But, it did pass… it took time, and some kicking and screaming but it DID pass. That is the good news. And, as Ms. Perri says, “Who do you think you are?” Seriously… Now I can say that and truly mean it!
I’ve seen a few posts lately about people struggling… about things being newly broken off with a MM or AP and all the grief and sadness that comes with that. I have been thinking a lot about how to stay strong despite other people in your life and often the people you love the most that seem to dish out the hardest blows to your heart. I believe many of us deal with serious emotional abandonment issues and when that type of thing happens again to us later in life, it really really hurts because it is also opening up things from the the past that are deep below the surface. And, as much as we can psycholgize things and talk about our patterns and why things happen and how to break the pattern, which are all good things, there are moments too when it just plain sucks and all you can do is hold on and keep holding on until you reach safety again…the feeling of being more secure and at peace.
I think the OW so often looks at herself as being rejected, stupid, naive and the truth of the matter is that often we simply fell in love with the wrong person at the wrong time. And, often it was the other party that did the lying, cheating, and general bad behavior. Sometimes we do put ourselves out there and take a risk and it doesn’t work out and that is very hard to accept and get through especially if it has happened several times to you. It isn’t easy, but perhaps it can help if we truly truly look at the other persons behavior. Often if we look at it, we do see something very bad indeed… again the other person has often not only lied, but has often been very careless with someone else’s heart because they themselves lack empathy and the qualities that make a kind human being.
I don’t know if that is helpful to anyone, but it is worth thinking about. I know I have done quite a bit in the way of self-work and self-focus and I think that can be necessary and good, but it also can be good to truly look at the other person’s behavior… what did they do…how did they treat you…how are they behaving now?
And, most importantly, what can we do right in this moment to care for ourselves? Can we put on a funny show, can we call a supportive friend, can we find a healthy distraction to remove ourselves from the pain that we may be going through? I know it is hard, and sometimes we have to face the emotions straight on and go through them, but when that has passed, what can we do next that we can control and that isn’t self sabotaging?
Maybe you can give me your ideas. I’ve found that getting outside is usually good for me, but at times still feel overwhelmed by my emotional state…not because of my xMM anymore but just in other life situations that I am encountering and working through, and I’m all for hearing about healthy coping mechanisms, so let me know if you have any… I’d love to hear them and I know the other readers and those who are especially tender right now would be very appreciative.
I was asked this question from a commenter recently and I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of weeks. I had no immediate answer because it is in fact mostly a mystery to me.
I came across this quote today and thought it was perfect and describes exactly how I feel.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
― Haruki Murakami
This quote makes me teary because it is the truth for me. Much of what happened and the aftermath is hard to conjur up these days. I do remember the feeling of heartbreak and devastation. But, I have a hard time articulating how I got through it exactly.
The best part of this quote is the idea that the pain/storm changes you. I found that to be true for me. It’s always evolving…our lives. The storms and pain are ways to reroute us, to change us, to make us pause and take stock and hopefully become more compassionate and learn something that we’ve been resisting or maybe don’t want to face.
In any trial you face, there are lessons to be learned. We all have different lessons to learn, or so I’ve been told, and I believe that those of us that have been an OW or in an A situation where our partners did not choose us probably have some similar lessons to learn. I know there are some different dynamics between those that are single vs. those who are married and in some ways I think the lesson might be more obvious for those that ARE married as the situation can naturally be used to evaluate their own committed relationship. A spiritual teacher that I follow has this to say about affairs.
All affairs are co-created.
He doesn’t apologize for his view and acknowledges that there is a person who is being violated and a person who is engaging in behavior that violates the relationship but says that there has to be a dynamic that the couple creates that allows for this type of behavior to happen, and it isn’t just the fault of the person who has the affair.
I can only wish that more would see the validity of this view. I know it is a hard pill to swallow and trust me, if I was being violated by this type of behavior, I know it would absolutely hurt. I also know believe that relationships do ebb and flow and there are times where you can feel very empty and a longing for connection….warmth…affection. I don’t believe it is just about sex.
I was sitting in a waiting room earlier this week and picked up a magazine that had an article written by a woman who had been betrayed in an affair situation. I had seen the preview on the cover about the article and thought “Oh boy, here we go again! Another commentary on the most horrible of horrible people… The Other Woman.” But, I was proved wrong…very wrong. Although I didn’t get to read the whole article, the woman was completely gracious and frankly amazing. She said her husband had made the bold choice…the unpopular choice…the less travelled path of chosing his mistress and she came to believe that this woman was probably the better fit for him at this point in his life. They even had young kids and had built an idyllic life as she described it. She looked radiant in her picture and I’m sure the article went on to explore that in more detail and the new life she had made for herself.
As a single person, I feel that there are issues of self-esteem and self-worth . And, not that we don’t have any, but we need to learn to own it and know deep down that we’re okay. Perhaps we felt like the relationship was a mistake in the immediate aftermath, but we can accept things and know that there are no mistakes. That has been an especially hard one for me to swallow.
All of us despite being married or single have to deal with the rejection and the heartbreak. I don’t think it is ever easy. But, I have to say that I was inspired by the woman who I read about in the aforementioned magazine article. She obviously had built a happy life for herself and what could be more inspiring than that? Perhaps one of our biggest lessons is figuring out how to do that same thing for ourselves.
I do think that rejection and heart-break takes us to an extremely tender and vulnerable place. It teaches us to persevere and not give up when we feel like we can’t go on. It teaches us to learn how to simply survive emotionally when we feel like our reserves are empty and it helps us to truly appreciate our new moments when the pain isn’t so fresh. We also tap into the very real pain of simply being human…being counscious and feeling emotion isn’t a piece of cake. I believe it takes a lot of courage to be in that space…to say yes to life. I think any heartbreak and loss is difficult and painful, but there is a special place I suppose in my heart for those who have loved and not been shown the same love in return and/or who were outright betrayed and lied to. And, I believe one of my personal lessons that I’m still learning is that even though I do need a partner in my life and romantic love, I can’t be derailed and completely fall apart when things go wrong and when rejection happens. I have to keep going and try again and again and again and again. LOL… really, isn’t enough enough??? ha ha. And then sometimes we need to take a breather and sit out for quarter or two and refuel for the next round.
As one of my commenters wisely pointed out and another lesson that I feel has been thrust upon me is that nothing is perfect. Love comes in many packages and varieties. It shouldn’t be diminished if it doesn’t work out. There is still much to be grateful for and more adventures to be had even if it is things turned out different that we had hoped and imagine. Maybe next time around it will turn out better than we had hoped or imagined….
something to dream about.
I gotta say that I never get tired of watching Walk the Line. It’s the exception in that it dosn’t show the women who is the object of the MM’s desire as some crazy psycho who is out to get a MM. It shows that love can happen even when you don’t want it to or try desperately to ignore it.
You don’t hate June Carter, and you see how unhappy Johnny and his W became…not because she is a horrible person or he is, but that they simply grew in different directions and ultimately were meant to be with other people. He ends up getting through his issues/addictions and then of course he and June do end up together and no one seems to hate them or June. In fact, in this viedo, Johnny and June’s romance is described as, “The Greatest Love Story of the 20th Century”.
I found this video on you tube. The narration is a little odd, but it tells the story of the famous couple , both of whom were married to other people when they fell in love. It did take a long time for them ultimately to be together but like I said in my previous post, I do believe if it is meant to be, that is will somehow be. Not that I think anyone should wait around for this… this seems to be truly a rare scenario.
I have been in reflection quite a bit lately on the whole process of grief, letting go and rebuilding after loss and/or heart-break. It’s been about three years since I last communicated with my MM. I have learned that the timing of this process is very individual and unique to each person.
I remember a couple of years ago, I met a friend on-line who had been in a relationship with a MM. She was also married at the time. When we met, it had been five years since they had broken things off. At the time, I thought wow, it’s been five years and here she is… she was past the serious heart-break phase, but she was still engaged in the world of TOW and A’s. I can say now that I truly understand the five-year time frame. And, it was amazing how she was so forgiving of her MM at that point. She truly had gone through the entire loss/grief process!
We do grieve and process loss in varied ways and it can take a long time in some instances. It seems our culture is very uncomfortable and rather judgmental with prolonged sadness and grief and/or any kind of stepping out of line in a way where we might have missed the mark in an emotional situation. We take time to heal our physical injuries… go to physical therapy, get massage or chiropractic care, are often asked by others how we are doing and no one thinks twice if it takes many months or even years to heal a serious injury. We often feel guilty for not being stronger emotionally yet I’ve never heard of anyone feeling guilty for taking time to heal a physical wound or injury. Our bodies are very important. But, I would never want a body without a functioning and healthy heart/soul. In fact, I know from my own experience that that scenario is hell or at best a purgatory. Yet, we have to face it if we enter the courageous terrain of the heart and soul. Love is always a risk, and betrayal is one of the most emotionally shocking and painful situations I have ever faced. Yet, when you love truly, it can happen.
It may take longer than expected to heal an emotional wound, but that is not a bad thing. It is simply the time that is needed to regroup, heal, change, learn, forgive and it can lead to amazing things. That’s not to say that everything is roses in daily life, but on the deeper level of how you feel each day and the way you engage with yourself, it IS a chance to start fresh and see the life cycle that the great spiritual traditions speak of… BIRTH…LIFE….DEATH…REBIRTH…NEW LIFE. It does take time and it does take work as well, but I feel like the work comes later in the process when the wound isn’t so fresh. Early on, you need at least one true friend, self nurturing and love, comfort food and wine (or alternatively, Vodka), time to cry and be alone and time to get angry…very angry… it all has to come out somehow and time to find forgiveness for yourself and the other!
Early on in the process, I really did hate myself. I could barely get through my days, much less, contemplate changing my life or accepting things for what they were. And, I definitely couldn’t “Get over it and move on”. I had to go through my own process for better or worse.
In the past I’ve said how grateful I am to just feel normal and not in the thick of working through serious heart-break. And, that is one thing that I still feel completely grateful for. It does get easier and you will feel better and you won’t think of him all the time nor wish you were with him or wonder if he’s thinking of you . After you go through a period of hating him, you will actually be a bit repulsed by the thought of him. ha ha… Although, I am serious!
And, as with anything, balance is key. We can become too consumed with our grief and become unhealthy or even unsafe. I believe it’s important as I said to have at least one true friend you can talk to in person (or counselor/therpaist…preferably both!) and of course on-line friends are helpful too as this particular situation doesn’t come up often in conversation unless people are talking about how the evil temptress manipulated and forced herself upon her prey. Because clearly, no man would ever seek out another female outside of his primary relationship. Okay, maybe some humor will help as well.
What helped me the most, was not only the love and support of one particular friend and dear on-line friends, but also going inward and reconnecting with long-lost dreams and hopes for my life, but it took me a long time to get to that place. There was one particular dream in my heart that still held in it hope and excitement as well as a feasibility factor and it propelled me… it saved me.